How to Train Your Dragon: What’s Truly Hiding Behind Toxic Leadership?
When a “Toxic Boss” Turns Out to Be Just Surviving Themselves
Not long ago, I coached a team leader and his manager through a serious conflict. They came to me for coaching out of desperation, or he would have quit his job, as burnout was on the table.
The team leader came to me completely drained. He described his manager as toxic and evil, always micromanaging, never satisfied, pushing the team to the brink of burnout.
His whole team was very tense and unhappy. People were leaving or off sick, and motivation was at an all-time low.
However, through months of coaching, both the team leader and his manager started to see the bigger picture. The so-called toxic manager wasn’t cruel, lazy, or power-hungry. He handled it all from a place of desperation himself. He knew something was wrong, but he couldn't see it at the time or didn't know how to change.
Mind you, this doesn't in any way justify bad behaviour, nor does it help the work culture. Responsibility still needs to be taken, but by seeing the bigger perspective, it becomes easier to deal with. Let me explain.
The toxic manager could well be dealing with impostor syndrome, constantly doubting themselves, and overcompensating with perfectionism and control. Their behaviour came from fear, fear of failing, of not being good enough, of being judged.
That shift in perspective changed everything. It didn’t excuse the behaviour, but it opened the door for healing, understanding, and healthier communication. A better culture followed.
What Is Toxic Leadership?
Let’s be honest, we throw the word toxic around a lot. But what does it actually mean?
In most cases (OK, not all), so-called toxic leaders are not bad people. They are:
Micromanaging because they don’t feel safe letting go
Pushing too hard because pressure from above is crushing them
Perfectionistic because deep down, they’re afraid of not being enough
It’s often not about power, it’s about fear and survival.
How Micromanagement and Burnout Go Hand in Hand
Toxic leadership and burnout are closely linked. Leaders who don’t feel supported or safe subconsciously tend to tighten their grip. This has a huge ripple effect:
Teams feel undervalued and controlled
Creativity and trust disappear
Sick leave rises
Both the leader and the team end up exhausted
This is how micromanagement, impostor syndrome, and fear-driven leadership quietly break down even the most well-meaning teams.
What’s the Dragon in This Metaphor?
The Dragon is the inner voice. It says:
“You must be perfect.”
“You can’t ask for help.”
“If you let go, you’ll fail.”
This mindset fuels toxic behaviours without us even realising. But the good news? You don’t have to fight the Dragon. You can train it.
I love this movie, 'How to Train Your Dragon! ' Have you seen it? It's a must.
Can Toxic Leadership Be Fixed?
Yes! If we’re willing to look beneath the surface.
We need to stop treating toxic behaviour like a personality flaw and start seeing it as a response to pressure, fear, and lack of support.
Healing starts when we offer:
Empathetic leadership coaching
Psychological safety in teams
Open conversations between senior and frontline leaders
A shift in culture from fear to trust
Final Thought: Lead From Trust, Not Fear
If you’re a team leader always firefighting, ask yourself,
“Am I leading from trust, or fear?”
If you’re in senior leadership, ask,
“Are we creating safety, or just pushing people harder?”
The first step to change is awareness. From there, real leadership can grow.
Let’s talk ☕️ I help leaders and sensitive high performers understand the deeper patterns behind burnout, fear, and control. Let’s train the Dragon together, before it burns everyone out. 🔥Hello@tinekezoet.com or www.tinekezoet.com for more information about me and what I can do for you and your team.
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